20 Years Ago In PopCult: GO AWAY!

Twenty years ago in PopCult, I ran the following post under the headline, “The Writer’s Best Friend”:

Two years ago, when I was hunkered down in my office bunker working on a particularly grueling deadline and being the main caregiver to my bedridden mother, I had a steady stream of folks knocking on my front door in a two-hour period. There were two kids selling fundraising crap, a seedy-looking guy asking if I wanted my lawn mowed, a hippy chick selling candles and incense, a Jehovah’s Witness, two ladies from a Baptist Church from Nitro (poaching potential parishioners from the Baptist Church two blocks away, I guess), and a young lady selling magazine subscriptions for Jesus who seemed frightened by the rabbit in my yard (the young lady, that is, Jesus fears no rabbits, or so I’m told).

“Does the bunny bite?” she asked me, her voice quivering. Unfortunately, I didn’t think the vicious attack bunny would scare off any other unwanted visitors, and the constant interruptions were driving me nuts, so I did something drastic. I composed a little note and posted it on my front door. I haven’t been bothered since.

Who know those people could read? The bit about not changing our beliefs because a stranger comes to our door was lifted from Mark Evanier, who writes a blog that I visit every day right here. Mark cracked me up yesterday with this suduko post. The solution is here.

Two years of peace, all because of one little piece of paper taped inside my screen door. Sometimes curmudgeonliness pays off.

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It’s been twenty years, and I have an update.

I still have this sign on my door. It’s not the original sign. I have to reprint it every few years because normal wear and tear obscures the printing, as does exposure to sunlight and the elements.

Plus, at least once somebody stole it.

I’m going to have to print a new copy of it soon, because aside from political candidates and churches who feel the need to leave their litter on my porch, it really works. With one exception.

When I print the new copy, I’m going to have to put a special notice at the bottom:

IF YOU’RE THAT MORON WHO RIDES AROUND ON A SCOOTER, ACTS REALLY HIGH, AND TRIES TO PULL THE SCAM WHERE YOU SAY YOU’RE FROM DIRECTV, PLEASE DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS DOOR…AGAIN.  I REALIZE YOU PROBABLY DO A LOT OF DRUGS AND DONT KEEP TRACK OF THINGS, BUT YOU SHOW UP EVERY FEW MONTHS AND DON’T SEEM TO REMEMBER THAT YOU’VE ALREADY BEEN HERE BEFORE. 

YOU HAVE. WE WON’T FALL FOR IT, AND THE COPS ARE ALREADY ON THE WAY.