It’s time for our annual look back at the year to come. Remember all the really weird stuff that happened in 2012? Here’s PopCult’s month-by-month rundown of all the things that led up to the end of the world:
In early January the political world was stunned when the Iowa caucus, held to chose the Republican candidate for president, was won by a previously-unknown candidate. The day after the caucus, it was revealed that the mystery man was, in fact, a ceramic statue of Ronald McDonald, re-painted to look sort of like the late Dennis Hopper.
Following this revelation, the statue placed no higher than third in any of the remaining primaries or caucuses before dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president in mid-March.
A warmer than usual Christmas in the Northeast hurt sales of outdoor decorations in late 2011, but the industry rebounded when there was an unexpected rush on fifteen-foot-tall inflatable Martin Luther King Jrs.
The Pixies reunite to perform at a memorial service for Cheetah, the chimp from the Tarzan movies who died at the age of 80, reportedly after being stabbed in the neck by a crack whore.
Super Bowl XLVI is interrupted by a streaker who runs onto the field. Police are baffled and a worldwide audience stunned when it becomes apparent that this is the ugliest person to ever streak, or even be seen in public. The gender of the alleged nudist is still undetermined.
Dogs suddenly gain the ablity to speak. They turn out to be quite annoying, and after a couple of months dog food that renders them mute becomes the best-selling pet item on the market.
Rick Perry’s approval ratings soar after his campaign managers feed him a can of “Alpo’s Shut ’em Up Chunks.”
A truth in advertising lawsuit forces CBS to retitle its “March Madness” as “March Lame Sports That Nobody Ought To Care About.”
In Irony, Nebraska a fire extinguisher plant burns down. The town’s mayor says, “I told them we were tempting fate when we changed our fair city’s name!” Until 2009 the city was called “Burning Ham.”
Five Guys Hamburgers faces a huge scandal when it’s revealed that, in addition to beef, their meat also includes five guys. The burger chain manages to ride a new crest of popularity by embracing the scandal and renaming themselves “Soylant Green’s People Food.”
MSNBC has to scramble to replace one of their evening news anchors when it is discovered that Ed Schultz is actually Rush Limbaugh on Ecstasy.
Disney has to scramble to re-shoot scenes for their big superhero movie, The Avengers, when they find out that Captain Underpants is not part of the team, and is not even published by Marvel Comics. Actor Jonah Hill is so upset about being cut out of the movie that he vows to “get even with the world” by creating a second season of his animated program, “Allen Gregory.” Luckily he is captured before following through on his threat.
One year after its demise, nobody remembers KVLive.net.
Apple contemplates converting from a business to a religion, proclaiming Steve Jobs to be a prophet, and making all the Apple stores over as tax-exempt “Temples Of Genius.” They back down after Scientology files a patent-infringement suit alleging sole rights to crackpot religionery.
Red Nebulous, a bowler from Paducah, Kentucky, sets a record when he bowls twelves straight 300 games. He is never heard from again.
Facebook makes a change that is useful, well-liked, and immediately embraced by all the people who use their site. No, wait. That was an April Fool’s story. Nevermind.
Baseball season starts, leading to the New York Yankees’ unprecedented undefeated season.
Mice unionize and go on strike, leading to a major crash in the worldwide cheese market.
Republicans run out of crazy alternatives to Mitt Romney, and attempt to enlist the aid of the evil Mitt Romney from the mirror universe. This plan fails when the mirror universe Romney turns out not to be evil enough to win a Republican primary.
Chocolate-covered Slim Jims fail to catch on at retail in the US, where they are quickly discontinued. However, they set new sales records in Japan, where they are marketed as “Meat Pocky.”
After falling behind Marvel Comics in market share for the first time since they launched the “New 52” company-wide reboot, DC Comics announces “The Newer 52” and unveils plans to completely relaunch every title that the company publishes every nine months.
Your PopCulteer finally gets around to reviewing the remaining 14 books in DC’s “New 52.”
“Two Guys Painting A Dog 2: The Poodle” sets an opening day box office record of $275 million in the United States, despite the absence of the original director and star.
A nuclear missle crisis in North Korea is averted when Kim Jung Un is offered some delicious ice cream.
Riots break out in some cities as Target stores once again bring back Quisp cereal and demand outstrips supply.
Last year’s Tsunami in Japan lead to record radiation leakage. As feared, a nuclear monster, “Godzilla,” rises out of the ocean, and strides inland, where it promptly collapses and dies from acute radiation poisoning.
Radio Free Charleston marks its sixth anniversary with a 42-hour episode featuring live music, all recorded during the previous week.
After “Poop” becomes the top trending word on Twitter for the fourth straight day, Timmy Johnson, age 9, of Topeka, Kansas, has his iPhone confiscated by his parents.
Once again, July 17th is a perfect day, where nothing goes wrong, nobody is stressed out, and everyone just has a nice time. Except for Thomas.
Sen. Joe Manchin, of West Virginia, accidentally does something that could be construed as Democratic. His office immediately issues a retraction and an apology.
The “Friends Of Coal” finally make it official and change their name to the “Brides Of Coal.”
Fifty becomes the new Twelve.
An online election is held to choose a new name for the West Virginia Turnpike. After “West Virginia Turdpike” wins by a landslide, Timmy Johnson, age 9, of Topeka, Kansas, has his computer confiscated by his parents.
By the time of the Republican Convention, every candidate but Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race for the Republican Nomination for President. He is finally chosen on the seventh ballot.
“Jazz From Hell” almost resumes filming, then something comes up.
After a vote to install more full stops on Kanawha Boulevard, the Boulevard comes to life, rips itself loose from the ground and smashes the mayor and city council flatter than pancakes. Interim city leadership immediately reverses the decision and revokes all permits for gatherings that close the highway.
A special session of the West Virginia Legislature is called to investigate why, every time we finally get a cool chain store or restaurant to open in Charleston, the one we get sucks.
The ghost of Ty Cobb, drunk and incoherent, appears on the State Capitol grounds and attempts to pick a fight with the “Lincoln Walks At Midnight” statue before peeing on a squirrel and passing out where the party tent used to be near the Governor’s Mansion.
Neil Young performs to a sold-out crowd at the Clay Center, and agrees to be paid in toy trains.
It turns out that bugs are telepathic.
President Obama replaces Air Force One with the TV Batmobile, thus insuring his re-election.
Chocolate-coated Peanut Butter Peeps become the new crack.
A nationwide blackout lasts six hours. When lights begin flickering on bit by bit, from space they can be seen to spell out the word, “Fartz.” Timmy Johnson, age 9, of Topeka, Kansas, has his libary computer access revoked by his parents.
The worldwide cheese glut, caused by five months of a mice strike, leads to the development of “Cheesenol,” an alternative fuel, which makes pollution smell a whole lot better.
The New York Yankees complete their perfect season with a four-game sweep of the surprising Cinncinnati Reds.
A confused Hearse driver mistakenly cuts in front of the HallowEast Zombie Walk, leading the zombies on a 14-hour odyssey that winds up in Beckley. It is quickly proclaimed “The best Zombie Walk Ever!”
The national elections are canceled due to the fact that corporate interests own both political parties anyway. In place of election coverage, the networks all agree to show old cartoons. ABC wins the night with a slate of classic Disney cartoons, while CBS places a close second by showing vintage Heckle and Jeckel and Mighty Mouse cartoons.
A live squirrel, reportedly peed on by the ghost of Ty Cobb, sells for $74.57 on eBay. The purchaser wanted to remain anonymous, but released a statement saying that the squirrel “smelled authentic.”
The true identity of subversive artist, Banksy, is finally revealed. Timmy Johnson, age 9, of Topeka, Kansas, is sent to the Mayo Clinic for psychiatric evaulation by his parents.
On November 14, mysteriously, everyone woke up to find that they’d been given a pony.
After a brief, bloodless, coup, Timmy Johnson, now aged 10, is sworn in as dictator for life of North Korea, which also changes its name to “Poopistan.”
During the North American leg of the Rolling Stones’ “Milking The Cash Cow” tour, Mick Jagger breaks a hip. Luckily, it’s not one of his.
On December 21, all the mayonnaise in the world disappears, proving that this was indeed the end of the world for the Mayoans.
After the use of marijuana is decriminalized, Captain Crunch is named Time Magazine’s Man Of The Year.
And that wraps up this year’s PopCult look back at the year to come. Keep reading PopCult to keep track of any of these items that actually happen in real life.