So to honor the holiday and also so we don’t squander any good gift suggestions, today we’re going to offer up our own style of Turkey–god-awful gifts that could be gag gifts, or white elephant gifts, or even gifts that might gag a white elephant.
These gifts are either amusing or disturbing, and you might want to think long and hard before actually wrapping any of these and putting them under the tree. Either make sure that the recipient has a great sense of humor, or is at least somebody you won’t mind antagonizing. Some are annoying. Some are disgusting. Some are edible but still gross.
My descriptions will be short and brutally honest. Also, there are five picks today. I didn’t want to put enough time into this to whittle it down to three.
All of our awful gifts can be found at Amazon, who has no standards for taste, so under each headline there will also be a link to the land of monopolistic evil billionaires who want to conquor the universe.
Happy Turkey Day, everybody. Maybe be thankful that you don’t get any gifts like this.
Bofa Deez Nutz-Candle
6-oz. candle $15.99
Make sure you really want to order this from Amazon.
This is a scented candle that will burn up to 40 hours.
The scent is a combination of Banana Nut Bread and Hazelnut Vanilla, which is a relief because they could’ve made it smell like male crotch stank.
Here’s what they say about it:
COME FOR THE LAUGHS BUT STAY FOR THE SCENTS – Give a great gift sure to get a laugh… and then constant use! Our small batch candles are both hysterical and practical!
40 HOUR BURN TIME – Give a gift that will last longer than a day! Our domestically made candles are more than a funny gesture – they’re a gift that they’ll love everyday!
2 GREAT SCENTS – A perfect mix of Banana Nut Bread and Hazelnut for a great nutty aroma.
A GREAT GIFT FOR ANY OCCASION – Birthdays, Graduations, Anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day all make great occassions to gift a great candle!
I will offer up a warning: DO NOT GIVE THIS AS A VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT.
No loving partner will find it romantic if she asks what you got her for Valentine’s Day, and you answer “Bofa Deez Nuts!”
CHOCOLATE STORYBOOK Pickle Gourmet Flavored Cotton Candy
1.2 oz tub $8.36
Order this abomination before the Lord at Amazon
Even if you like pickles, this is just wrong.
This company makes dozens of flavors of cotton candy. Apparently they decided on a number they wanted to hit, and ran out of good ideas, so somebody said, “Let’s make cotton candy in pickle flavor!”
In addition to being a flavor that many people despise, this is also not really good for you. One serving has 60% of your daily recommended amount of sugar, and 34 grams of carbohydrate…and no other nutritional value. There’s no fiber, protein, fat or vitamins. On the plus side, there’s no salt, either.
This is the perfect gift to give if you want somebody to throat-punch you until your eyes bleed.
Fake Poop Soap-Turd-Bar
by Nope It’s Soap – Handcrafted Artisanal Soap for Men
4.16 oz. bar $18.99
If you really want to give somebody this crap, hit up Amazon.
I…don’t quite know where to start with this one.
First of all, why do they specify that this soap is “for Men?” And if it is, why do the photos show women rubbing it all over their face?
Second, what the hell?
Third, if you’re going to pay nineteen bucks for a bar of soap, do you really want it to look like a turd?
According to the description, this is a “Funny Realistic Poop Gag Gift, Harmless Prank for Kids and Adults, Vanilla Scent.”
Is it funny? Well, butts are funny, and poop comes out of your butt, so yes. Is it harmless for kids and adults? That’s debateable. Thank God for small favors that it’s not poop-scented, at least.
I think the real prank is charging nineteen dollars for a bar of soap, but then I don’t even use bar soap. If it can’t be dispensed out of a bottle, it’s not for me.
Still, it might be a good gift for the aficianado of Gonzo German Scat Porn on your shopping list. Chances are you can figure out which eccentric, single uncle that is.
Screaming Goat Button
$17,99 (batteries included)
If you really think your life needs more shrieking, get this at Amazon.
This is a large button, that when pushed, emits the sound of a screaming goat.
If you’re wondering what that sounds like, click on this…
…so, if you want to hear that a lot, or think the person you’ll be giving it to will enjoy it, then knock yourself out.
It’s a great gift for someone who likes to punctuate the relaxing quiet with hideous and shrill screams.
12-Pack Flying Rubber Poo Sling Shot Toys
by Jishi Toy Company
feces pieces $9.99
This probably sticks to the wall at Amazon.
Let me make clear that no actual poop was harmed in the production of this toy.
These are gooey, slimy rubber slingshot toys. They actually have a photo to show the proper form for launching them.
They look like turds with faces, which may remind people of the former president’s legal team.
It’s basically fake poop that you can throw at each other.
So, you could invite a dozen friends over and reinact the Republican Presidential Debates with them. Or you can invent games or smuggle them into high-society dinners so that hi-jinks may ensue.
Or…you can wrap them, hand them to someboy and say, “Hey, I got you some crap for Christmas.”
There are four styles of faces on the turds, if you’re into fecal tribalism or anything like that.
At least it’s cheaper than soap. Might be a cruel gift for somebody who’s constipated, so please take that into consideration.